Ya know the funny thing about being sober is when you have one of those moments where you say, I found another one of my triggers today.
Yep, I did and, it came upon me slowly, building up like a steam pot ready to boil over!
Today was just one of those days
It started off ok but, I felt like something was going to go wrong when I jumped into my work van and headed off down the road.
I can’t really explain it words exactly, yet, it was there and just like the little devil that sits upon your shoulder poking you in the head, it was there.
I already knew it was going to be a stressful day just because of the nature of this job I am doing and being with a new company is not helping either.
I don’t know all of their protocols, I don’t know what I can or can’t do yet.
This also adds to the stress.
For me, stress is one of those triggers I have been trying like hell to avoid for quite some time now but as it is in life, stress is just one of those things that can not be avoided at times.
Yeah, I know, I should not be so stressed but, when it comes to my reputation (or at least in my head) I know what I can do and what I expect of myself.
This can lead to a major upset if nothing and I mean nothing is going my way. Even when I am trying my damnedest to get things right, they still get messed up.
It just keeps getting worse and worse by the minute!
Everything I touched, everything I tried to accomplish today ended up looking like something I would have done in my first week in my trade. You know, something that someone who does not know anything about the trade would do…
Every time I did one thing, the next would be just as worse! No matter what.
You know when you try to do good at something and it goes bad yet you keep going hoping it gets better only to keep messing it up? Yeah, that is what was happening.
I even at one point today, considered just up and quitting! For me, that has not happened since I was drinking and at the time of being wasted, never thought my actions through.
Well, this went through my head. And what was I doing in my past when those moments hit me?? Go get some beer! Get drunk and forget about it for a week or so or maybe even longer.
Sort of like shooting yourself in the foot and then doing it again to make sure you did it right the first time.
So, here is where I got…
I found another one of my triggers today
The trigger this time was feeling like I let myself down, like I was broken and could not fix myself or the situation that I was in!
Now matter what I would do would make anything any better. So yeah, I started thinking about the alcohol. That with the fact that I was getting out of control in my mind and not able to say anything to anyone about it other than a friend of mine (who also works where I work) other than I am thinking of quitting. Thinking of falling off (we all know what I mean).
That breaking point to where I actually had to stop what I was doing only to break down and tear up, yeah, so I cried for a few seconds, so what? I am sure someone who is reading this, man or woman can relate…
When all turns to shit real quick and you have major brain overload and the inability to control it!
This happens to people who overcome an addiction and come to the point of thinking about it consumes you and you stop thinking clearly.
Nothing makes much sense because, at least for me, this is when I am fighting those demons which have me but just can’t quite reach me (if you know what I mean).
This is where that major trigger happens!
These triggers can be dangerous and quite possibly lead you into a relapse before you even know what hit you!
So yeah, I found another one my triggers today and even though I got past it, it had done some damage to my confidence. This is something that one does not just shake off or sleep on it. This is one of those things I need to be extremely careful with as it may raise it’s ugly head at any given moment and snatch me up.
I thankfully have an awesome support group of people who can bring me down from that cliff and talk some sense into me. Comfort me and remind me that, that is not the way I need to be heading. To remember the crap I have gone through to still be clean and sober!
I am not saying it is easy, it never is really but all I can think in my head is… I did not end the day with alcohol and hopefully, I still get to keep my job for a while longer.
Then again, the future is very uncertain and all I can do is remember… One Day At A Time!
