Hey everyone. Yeah it’s been a while since I posted anything here on my blog but, I wanted to share what’s been going on with me lately.
The one I lost
Yeah, where to begin with all this… Bare with me as it has been awhile since I’ve put a blogroll together and I may tend to ramble but I will get to my point eventually.
Well, many things have happened over this past year as well as my 5th year of sobriety a few weeks ago…
Other than celebrating my 5th year, my long time girlfriend/Fiance’ have broke up a few months ago. Looking back at it, I should have found a better way to figure our problems out but being stubborn headed that did not happen.
I told her recently that, I stopped drinking for quite a few reasons but stayed sober for only one. (It actually had nothing to do with my own will)
I stayed sober for her mainly because she too had issues from her past that I figured I HAD to be sober for, no questions.
Well, after our breakup, we still stayed very close up until last week when she informed me that she was engaged. Well, actually her Fiance’ told me this.
I did not sit too well with me truth be told and still doesn’t but what can I do about it?…
What she meant to me
Well, she meant the world to me. She still does but, I do not want her to worry about what has been in my head these last few days.
Let me tell you a little bit about her…
She has a very angelic voice and her hair is the curliest reddish/brown that when the sun shines through, it’s a beautiful red. She has a laugh that is just the cutest.
She’s a bit quirky sometimes but in a way that only I will know why she is that way. Her new love will never know!
Yeah, you probably sense a little anger in that last sentence but, I don’t care! This is my post and I can write whatever the hell I want to, right?
I looked forward to hearing her voice and or getting that hug every time we met and or chatted on the phone. I told her a few weeks ago that I was going to marry her one day. Doesn’t look like that’s going to happen now.
I also told her I would be with her to the end. That’s not happening either. My life is slowing getting sucked out of me once again in life…
Now, I know what you’re thinking…Move on, start over but, I have fought battles that I will not even begin to mention about her or us on any blog post or anything else for that matter. Just know that I/we fought (not screaming and yelling) but against adversities that not many could have stood against.
She was my stars in my universe, she was my sunshine in my sky, she was my everything.
There is just too much about her that it would take me a book the size of the universe to tell my feelings…
Why this is affecting my sobriety
Well, she was my main reason for staying sober. I have other reasons but she was the main one and now I am having those strange thoughts once again.
You see, alcohol, in my past was always there to deaden the pain of loss or whatever else was encircling my brain and stressing me out.
Well, here we are at another loss but this time sober. First time in a long time I have lost something while being completely sober. It’s almost a new feeling for me.
Have I drank yet?? No.
Will I?… I hope not but it has been on the top of the brain though.
Where am I going with all this, I don’t know, don’t care really. My sobriety has been my own fight but, was fighting it for the wrong reasons these last few years! I was fighting it to keep the one who I loved and STILL LOVE.
Yeah well… Think whatever you want but that is how I feel.
I almost fell off last night by the way. I came really close to it. It was almost too close but I stopped myself. Still not sure why or how but the craving went away. Probably because I knew that I would be disappointing more people than those I have mentioned.
Am I past that point, no. Am I going to fall off, I hope not. We’ll see…
To who I am thinking of while writing this…
You still mean the world to me and if that ever changes it will be by your doing. My thoughts will always be towards you no matter what happens.
You might have made your decisions based off of whatever but I hope you don’t ever regret doing so but, in case you do…I will be here for you always and forever.
I miss you AEP
I hope you’re happy in the new life you have chosen and the one you’re with now.